The Here and This and Now Read online

  Glenn Waldron

  THE HERE AND THIS AND NOW

  NICK HERN BOOKS

  London

  www.nickhernbooks.co.uk

  Contents

  Title Page

  Original Production

  Acknowledgements

  Dedication

  Characters

  The Here and This and Now

  About the Author

  Copyright and Performing Rights Information

  The Here and This and Now was first performed at Theatre Royal Plymouth, on 9 March 2017, with the following cast:. The cast was as follows:

  GEMMA

  Jessica Clark

  NIALL

  Simon Darwen

  HELEN

  Becci Gemmell

  ROBBY

  Andy Rush

  A.

  Gracie Giles

  Isabella Ackerman

  James Critten

  Lilly Crawford

  VOICE

  Bill Paterson

  Director

  Simon Stokes

  Set & Costumer Designer

  Bob Bailey

  Lighting Designer

  Andy Purves

  Sound Designer

  Adrienne Quartly

  Casting Director

  Stephen Moore cdg

  Assistant Director

  Bethany Pitts

  Costume Supervisor

  Delia Lancaster

  Production Manager

  Nick Soper

  Stage Manager

  Emily Bagshaw

  Deputy Stage Manager

  Alice Johnston

  Assistant Stage Manager

  Sarah Donaldson

  Drum Technician

  Matt Hoyle

  Sets & Props

  Custom Aspect

  Costumes

  Theatre Royal Plymouth

  Produced by

  Theatre Royal Plymouth

  Acknowledgements

  Simon Stokes, David Prescott, Bethany Pitts, Louise Schumann, Harriet Pennington-Legh, Becca Kinder, Dr Michael Murphy, Bal Kalirai, Richard Lee and Sam Smith.

  G.W.

  For Sam

  Characters

  NIALL

  GEMMA

  ROBBY

  HELEN

  A.

  This ebook was created before the end of rehearsals and so may differ slightly from the play as performed.

  PART A: A PRESENTATION

  The conference room of a functional country-house hotel.

  An office awayday.

  GEMMA, ROBBY and HELEN are pharmaceutical sales reps on a training day led by NIALL.

  They practise delivering their sales pitches, and participate in games and exercises to remember the terminology of the new drug they will be selling.

  1. Chant

  A chant that starts off quietly then gets louder and louder.

  Captivate!

  Associate!

  Detonate!

  Kill!

  Captivate!

  Associate!

  Detonate!

  Kill!

  2. Niall

  A simple, engaging and persuasive style.

  NIALLThis?

  Beat.

  Oh it’s.

  Nothing.

  Laughs.

  Bit daft, really.

  Beat.

  My son.

  Five years old and everything’s –

  Tractors.

  Diggers and tractors and –

  Tractor wallpaper.

  Tractor cartoons. Spaghetti shapes –

  Laughs again.

  Got in a bit of trouble actually.

  With the boss.

  Jack – my son – he’s been a bit, bit ill recently –

  Oh nothing serious. Just a bit, fluey and.

  Which is rubbish when it’s the holidays and all

  the other kids are out there playing and you’re stuck inside.

  Do you remember that, Jan?

  So yesterday he’s finally on the mend and he’s been cooped up for, like, two weeks. And he’s looking forward to going to the park and seeing all his pals and all that.

  But then Martine, that’s my wife, she gets it too, this flu-thing.

  Beat.

  Tell me about it!

  And I’m just about to leave for work.

  Yesterday.

  Got my car keys and I’m halfway out the door and, and then I see him.

  See him sitting there in front of some cartoon.

  Bored witless, poor little –

  And I’m standing there and, and I get this idea in my head.

  I get this idea in my head and something in me just –

  Clicks.

  And I think, I think – excuse my French, Jan – sod it.

  Sod it.

  Because it’s not right, y’know? It’s really not right.

  And I phone up the boss and – I mean I could pretend that I’m sick.

  Could say I’ve caught it off the nipper or whatever but then I think, know what, Jan? Know what – today I’m gonna be honest.

  Not gonna sneak around.

  And I phone up my boss and say to him, ‘Michael.’

  I say ‘Michael, I know it’s all chocka. I’ve know I’ve got appointments in Bracknell and Bicester and Lord-knows-where-else lined up but they’re going to have to wait because actually I’m not working today.

  I’m not working today because I’m going to spend some time with my family, fella.

  I’m spending the day with my son.’

  And Michael’s pretty mad obviously but y’know – stuff it.

  Stuff it.

  Because – sometimes I think some things are more important than work.

  Don’t you think, Jan?

  And so. So we jump in the car and we head up the M5 and all the way, Jack’s so revved up. Like ‘Where we going, Dad where we going?’

  And, truth be told, I think he’s just happy spending some time with his old man, y’know?

  Truth be told, think he’s almost forgotten what I look like recently.

  Martine too.

  And then, then we turn on to the A38 and we turn around the corner and – there it is. We’re there.

  Beat.

  Diggerland.

  No really, it’s a place. M5, Junction 27.

  It actually exists!

  It’s just all these diggers and tractors and – but Jack’s face.

  Jack’s face when we come round the corner and he sees where we are.

  His face is just –

  Yeah.

  Beat.

  And obviously now I’m in the doodoo with the boss.

  I’m in the doodoo up to my –

  But I don’t really care. Because when I think about his face. When I think about my son’s face when we turn the corner and he sees all those diggers, it’s just – it’s one of those moments, you know?

  Because, I mean, what are we really here for?

  I just think that’s what it’s about. That’s what life’s about.

  It’s about moments. Those Everyday Moments.

  And you have to seize them, don’t you?

  You really have to seize them, don’t you, Jan?

  Beat. An idea is forming.

  Listen.

  Listen, Jan.

  Here’s a thought.

  Let’s not – let’s not do this today. Hmm?

  He makes to loosen his tie.

  Let’s not do this, this elaborate dance we’re supposed to do.

  Let’s just – not.

  Because.

  Because I know you’re probably bored.


  Bored of hearing it day-in, day-out.

  The chat. The pitch.

  A never-ending stream of, of slippery sales reps. All slithering up to your desk.

  All wanting just five minutes with the senior consultants (‘not five minutes, four! I’ll do it in four!’).

  All with their, their Game-Changing Treatments for Urinary Tract Infections. Their Once-in-a-Lifetime Breakthrough Orals for Abscessed Teeth.

  All promising heaven and earth.

  Bit of banter with the lovely receptionist, do their pitch, back in the car, limp bacon sarnie at Gordano and on to the next one.

  Laughs.

  Well – let’s not do it then.

  Let’s not do that today.

  No free pens.

  No red velvet cupcakes.

  No weird fluffy creatures gathering dust on your computer.

  No pitch full of science-y language that honestly neither of us really understands, do we, Jan?

  Let’s just – be honest.

  Let’s try and be – real.

  Because.

  I don’t know you, Jan.

  I don’t know if you’re single or married.

  I don’t know if you’ve done this job for twenty months or twenty years.

  Don’t know if you’re a mother or – dare I say it (although I can’t really believe it) – maybe even

  a grandmother.

  A proud grandmother with grandkids that you secretly dote on more than your children.

  Spoil ’em rotten when Mum’s not looking then hand them back again, thank goodness!

  I’m not going to assume anything about you.

  I won’t.

  But I do know you want to help.

  To help people live the lives they want to live.

  To experience those Everyday Moments.

  Everyday moments like – well, like a boy being well enough to see some tractors with his dad.

  Can I be honest with you, Jan?

  What I have with me today is not going to save the world.

  It’s not gonna change the face of medicine as we know it.

  It’s a new topical treatment for age-focused keratinisation disorders called Setova with a new active ingredient Preponin and I’m not going to make any grand claims for it.

  It’s not going to boost someone’s cell count or, or restore their memory or – save them from a burning building!

  It’s just going to do the job it’s meant to do and it’s three-point-two per cent more affordable than the gel you’re currently prescribing while retaining almost like-for-like efficacy.

  Meaning that it’s just that bit more affordable for your patients.

  And that’s something that matters.

  Beat.

  Five minutes with the senior practitioners. Not three minutes or four minutes or – (Laughs.) ten minutes or.

  Five minutes.

  Three hundred seconds.

  And maybe together.

  Maybe in our own small way today, maybe we can make some more of those Everyday Moments, Jan.

  What do you say?

  3. Games and exercises

  Linking up the individual speeches and the scenes between GEMMA and ROBBY, the reps complete a series of chants, memory games and physical exercises to drum in the terminology and key phrases of the new drug information.

  These can be woven around the speeches and dialogue, and combining with physical movement (inspired by the games) to create something that at first feels quite alien and disorientating but then ultimately settles into a feeling of familiarity and trapped repetition.

  So, for example:

  A. The reps chant a key phrase that eventually becomes faster and faster.

  B. The reps spell out a word phonetically while doing a kind of Haka.

  C. The reps take in turns throwing a ball to each other. Each time the ball is thrown, the person catching has to shout out part of the drug composite.

  D. The reps run across the room each time one of the chemical properties is shouted out or do ‘trust falls’ into the group.

  These exercises and games can be a starting point but they can become abstracted and almost dreamlike, with words taken out of context. At times, they become emptied of meaning in the way that suggests they have no real meaning for the reps.

  4. Gemma and Robby

  The various conversations take place during games, as they throw a ball between them, recite terminology, etc.

  GEMMA Don’t you ever care?

  ROBBYAbout what?

  GEMMA About what they think. The bosses?

  ROBBYNot really, no.

  Besides, they can’t really fire me anyway.

  GEMMA Oh.

  ROBBYBecause I’m sleeping with Niall.

  GEMMA Haha.

  What seriously?

  ROBBYWell, I mean technically we don’t get much sleep but –

  GEMMA Oh, that’s –

  ROBBYI just think he’s really hot.

  GEMMA That’s really – cool.

  ROBBYJust, like, really hot.

  That bald spot at the back of his head. Yum.

  GEMMA Okay.

  ROBBYHe’s a very considerate lover.

  GEMMA Great.

  ROBBYThat was a joke.

  GEMMA Right. Yeah, nice.

  Beat.

  I mean, I wouldn’t blame you anyway cos I’d fuck him.

  ROBBYWould you?

  GEMMA God, yeah.

  Total fox.

  ROBBYYeah?

  GEMMA Oh, yeah.

  Beat.

  That was a joke too.

  ROBBYYeah, shall we stop this. Neither of us wants to fuck Niall.

  GEMMA Aw, poor Niall.

  ROBBYI know, poor unfuckable Niall.

  It’s because I’m the only one who knows what any of these things mean.

  GEMMA What?

  ROBBYWhy they can’t sack me. Because I actually know about this stuff.

  GEMMA You actually know what these things mean – Setova and Preponin and…

  ROBBYWell, strictly speaking Setova doesn’t mean anything.

  GEMMA Oh yeah?

  ROBBYThat’s the main rule of drug-naming. They can’t inherently mean anything.

  GEMMA Okay.

  What about Vagisil?

  ROBBYHmm?

  GEMMA You said they can’t mean anything but – what about Vagisil. Because that definitely reminds me of my vagina.

  ROBBYThat reminds you of your vagina /

  GEMMA Not my vagina.

  Just a, a vagina.

  ROBBYWell it can be, y’know, associative just not – literal.

  GEMMA Okay.

  How do you know that anyway?

  ROBBYI just do.

  GEMMA Helen said you were almost a doctor /

  ROBBYAlmost A Doctor?

  GEMMA I didn’t mean /

  ROBBYWow.

  GEMMA Sorry /

  ROBBYNo it’s –

  I did three years at medical school.

  GEMMA Right. But you didn’t [finish]?

  ROBBYNo.

  GEMMA Why not?

  ROBBYHave you heard of a band called The Living Embellishments?

  GEMMANo. I don’t think so.

  ROBBYExactement.

  GEMMA What?

  ROBBYDropped out to Follow My Dream. Thought I was gonna be the new Liam Gallagher.

  Turned out I was the new Crispian Mills.

  GEMMA Who?

  ROBBYExactement.

  GEMMA Stop saying that, please.

  ROBBYBy the time I realised that I did actually want to be a doctor, then they wanted me to start all over again.

  Only this time charge me, like, nine grand a year to do it.

  GEMMA Shit.

  ROBBYFucked, basically.

  GEMMA Yeah.

  ROBBYTotally fucked.

  5. Gemma

  GEMMA This?

  Beat.

  Oh,
it’s.

  Nothing.

  Laughs.

  Bit daft, really.

  My niece.

  Big in to One Direction.

  Big – Directioner.

  One Direction sticker book.

  One Direction duvet.

  ‘One D’ duvet.

  Sleeps on Louis’s face.

  Day they split up – ouff.

  Got in a bit of trouble actually.

  With the boss.

  Ruby – my niece – she’s been a bit, bit ill recently –

  Oh nothing serious. Just a bit – fluey, really.

  Which is really rubbish, poor thing, when it’s the holidays and all the other kids are out there playing and you’re stuck inside.

  Do you – do you remember that, Martin?

  So yesterday she’s finally on the mend and she’s been cooped up for, like, two weeks. And she’s really looking forward to going to the park and seeing all her friends.

  But then Amy, that’s my sister, she gets it too, this nasty flu that’s going around.

  Been staying with them for a few months.

  Just while I –

  Just till I –

  Beat.

  So yesterday I’m late for work and it’s all pretty new, this job.

  And I’ve got my car keys in my hand and I’m halfway out the door and, and then I see her.

  My niece.

  See her just watching some old One Direction video on her iPad.

  Bored to death, poor little maid!

  And I get this idea in my head.

  Because it’s not right.

  Get this idea in my head and something in me – well, it clicks.

  And I think, I think – excuse my French, Martin – sod it.

  Sod it.

  And I phone up the boss, Niall, and – I could pretend that I’m sick.

  Could say I’ve caught it off my niece or whatever but then I think, know what? Know what – start out as you mean to go on.

  Gonna be upfront.

  NIALLGreat, Gemma, this is great.

  GEMMAAnd I phone up my boss and say to him, ‘Niall. I know it’s a crazy day today. I’ve know I’ve got appointments in Bracknell and Bicester and Lord-knows-where-else lined up but they’re going to have to wait because actually I’m not working today.